August 30. Christopher Todd. On this date in 1995, Christopher began a spiritual-healing program, a long struggle from darkness to light.
The place beyond God’s love doesn’t exist.
At twelve-years-old, Christopher struggled with conflicting realities. In church, he was taught that God could not remain in the presence of sin. But Christopher had a secret he believed was sin. He was attracted to guys.
Through his teens, Christopher lived a double life. He had a girlfriend—and privately—a boyfriend. He hated his secret, but he didn’t know what to do. He even considered suicide. It wasn’t safe to talk about this issue at church, so eventually, he quit going. He wondered if God even cared.
When Christopher was nineteen, he went back to church, had a powerful encounter with God, and got baptized. He prayed and prayed that God would take away his attraction to men. But God didn’t.
At 23, certain God would fulfill his needs through the union, Christopher married a beautiful Christian woman. But his desire for men persisted. And the rules taught at church didn’t empower him to change. He was also told, whether or not he acted on them, his feelings were wrong. So he was consumed with shame, condemnation, and failure.
Under the pressure, Christopher caved and acted on his desire. His wife’s trust shattered like a dropped pane of glass. For more than a year, he worked hard to piece it back together. They attended a spiritual-healing program, and Christopher began to have hope. But then the ministry abruptly and harshly fell apart. Confused, Christopher doubted all he had learned there. As he questioned, the desire for men grew.
Then his dad came for a visit. They attended a Promise Keeper’s event and had a miraculous, healing conversation. Both of them admitted regret and processed forgiveness. But even in a stadium full of Christian men, Christopher fought temptation.
Christopher’s dad flew back home. In an automobile accident two days later, he died. Color left Christopher’s world. He grieved, battled his desire for men, and wondered where God was. He felt like Job. How could he trust God when everything hurt? He just wanted to be held. His wife held him, but it didn’t help. He wanted to be held by the masculine.
Lost in the grayscale world, Christopher was done. God had not answered his cries of desperation, so he decided to meet his own needs. Since he believed God could not follow where he was going, he disconnected. Like pushing “End” on a cell phone, he “hung up” on God.
Christopher chose to engage in anonymous sex with a male partner. But suddenly, right there in the dark room, God revealed Himself. It was as if the most loving, non-judgmental, compassionate father walked into the room. God’s Presence shattered the lies Christopher had believed: That God wouldn’t take care of him. That God didn’t go into the dark places. That God abandoned him when he sinned.
Christopher stood, walked through the door, and stepped outside. When he did, color returned to his world.
For years Christopher’s shame had kept him in bondage. Now he understood the truth. “There is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1 NLT).
When Jesus died on the cross, he took the sins Christopher had done, was doing, and would do. Forgiveness was a complete package—and God accepted Christopher even in failure. Finally, Christopher had the freedom to move forward. He was empowered to face the battle, love others, and become more like Jesus—whether or not his attraction to men ever changed.
Does moral failure make you feel alone, ashamed, and powerless? Or do you hold onto the truth you are fully forgiven, loved, and accepted? The place beyond God’s love doesn’t exist.
*Christopher is a pseudonym. Now nearly 50, he is still married to his first wife and raising two wonderful sons to love Jesus. He believes all healing happens in the context of healthy relationships and walks in compassion with people as they face life’s challenges.
Based on an interview with “Christopher” Todd, 2019.
Story read by: Nathan Walker
Introduction read by: Daniel Carpenter
Audio production: Joel Carpenter
Editor: Teresa Crumpton, https://authorspark.org/
Project Manager: Blake Mattocks
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