February 25. Brian Johnson. Brian writes award-winning music, speaks professionally, and is the co-founder of Bethel Music and WorshipU with his wife Jenn Johnson. (WorshipU offers courses in all aspects of worship ministry.)
Brian strives to combine expert musicianship and songwriting with prophetic worship. He and Jenn help worshippers take hold of their true identities and pursue intimacy with God above all else. This passion didn’t come without problems. Here’s a story about a milestone in Brian’s life.
When you’ve reached the end of yourself, you’re finally free to rely on God.
Standing near the Sacramento River, Brian watched his son turn over rocks in the search for lizards. Suddenly, he felt a heavy pressure on his chest, and his heart began to pound. The panic and anxiety set in. The air seemed thin.
Brian tilted his head up and tried to take a deep breath. But he couldn’t. His thoughts raced, and he tried to figure out what was happening to him. When he was a kid, he had had panic attacks, but this was different. This force was stronger.
Brian yelled to his son that they were out of time to look for lizards. They climbed into the car, and he drove towards home. If he could just get back home, he would feel better.
His son chatted about lizards, but Brian couldn’t focus. The air was being sucked out of him, and the weight on his chest increased.
The five-minute drive home seemed like it took an eternity.
At home, Brian told his son to go inside as he walked along the trail beside their home, trying to catch his breath. His wife ran out to him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders.
“Babe, I feel like I’m losing my mind,” he whispered. Then he knelt to stop his head from spinning.
“Slow down. Just breathe. It will be okay. You’re alright,” she said.
But it wasn’t okay. This was hell. He got to his feet again, and they walked back into the house. Worship music was playing in every room. But the peace it usually brought was missing. The verses, music, and words he used to say in moments of panic were not working. He was still flooded with a hopeless, alone, and overwhelming feeling that made him feel trapped in his own mind, unable to escape. He was convinced he was sliding into insanity.
He couldn’t connect with anyone. Or focus on anything. The darkness was closing in on him, and he didn’t know how to stop it. He tried to sing.
“This has to stop. I can’t breathe. I’m suffocating.”
Time passed. Suddenly, the air in the room seemed electric, and something pulled him deeper into the blackness, and he tried to fight it. But his strength was failing.
His wife dialed 911 and called his parents.
Still pacing, a moment of clarity pierced through. He had to decide whether to fight this or let it drag him down. He walked to his wife and kids and said, “This is when God becomes real.”
He knew his battle had just begun. Freedom would come, but it would take the next six months and not just the next six hours.
It was a grueling process. The stress of life bore down on him, and even with the help of medication, there was no relief. Brian decided enough was enough.
He uncovered the root of his anxiety. Unforgiveness and pain from ignoring conflict and pushing through complexities of life had caused him to pop like a balloon. Recognizing that we were not made to carry the stress alone, he finally understood why his body turned on him: it was telling him to stop and take a look inside.
“Our culture often teaches us to man up … Instead of admitting that we’re hurting or feeling any pain. We were designed to feel the pain and bring it to the Father. That’s what Jesus did. He felt the pain and laid it at the Father’s feet.”
“I thought I would never escape the anxiety and panic that consumed my life. But God did what only he can do.” God became Brian’s only option.
“For God is not a God of confusion, but of peace” (1 Corinthians 14:33 ESV.)
Is there a place in your life where you need to be real with God? When you’ve reached the end of yourself, you’re finally free to rely on God.
Johnson, Brian. When God Becomes Real. Elkhart, IN: Bethel Book Publishing, 2019.
Parke, Caleb. “‘When God Becomes Real’: Bethel Pastor Opens Up After Being Hospitalized For Nervous Breakdown.” Published February 1, 2019. Fox News. https://www.foxnews.com.
Story read by Nathan Walker
Story written by Abigail Schultz, https://www.instagram.com/abigail_faith65