March 16. Kirk Samuels. Today’s story could have ended very differently. On this date in 2014, Kirk was just seconds away from ending his life.
Today, he is a gifted speaker and a radio personality who focuses on the leadership potential that every man has. He serves on the board of Step Seven (a faith-based ministry that helps men overcome addictions and learn to be leaders) and on the advisory council of BeMen (an organization whose mission is to empower men to love God and to be leaders at home, in the church, and in the community). Kirk is the founder of the Heart Freedom Foundation, whose goal is to foster healthy relationships with others and with self.
In 2017, he published his first book, For Your Eyes Only: the Inside Scoop about Men, Porn, and Marriage.
What happened to change Kirk from a potential suicidal victim to a celebrated leader and helper of other men? Listen to his story.
Your greatest struggle can take you out. Or it can become your platform
Kirk pulled his SUV into the hospital’s corner parking space. The street lamp provided light. He used the tree nearby for a place to relieve himself. After his wife kicked him out, Kirk had stayed with his pastor. But too ashamed to stay indefinitely, he pretended he had other arrangements. He did: a parking lot, a sleeping bag, and the backseat.
A greeter at church, Kirk could paste on the smiles. But tonight he was all out of smiles. He turned off the vehicle, climbed into the backseat, and pulled out the gun.
Failure. No good. Worthless. At nine-years-old, he had huddled in his closet to escape his father’s abuse. Now he huddled in the backseat of his car. But he couldn’t escape himself. The addiction that medicated his pain had stolen his dreams, his relationships, and his sense of self-worth. Utter darkness consumed him.
Kirk was twelve when the neighborhood boys showed him that first pornographic video. The rush numbed his pain, and soon it chained him to the beast. Kirk’s life became focused on the next porn fix.
In the old days he sneaked “adult” materials, but now everything was available with a tap of his phone. Powerless, he had repeatedly begged God for help. But his need trumped the desire to change. Everyone said he had to just stop. Why couldn’t he?
Kirk raised the gun. His finger twitched on the trigger. All he had done was make people cry. His family would be better off with the insurance money. “How could you let me get here?” he screamed at God. “How could you let me do what I’m about to do?”
Suicide would be his last act of rebellion. A sob broke out. His hands trembled, and he lowered the gun but held it in a death-grip. He screamed and sobbed all night. “All right, God,” Kirk finally prayed, “Either you hate me, and you never want me to get free of this, or tomorrow you show me how to get free.”
The next morning, Kirk searched for answers. What did the brain people, the body people, and the spirit people have to say? It was soon clear why he hadn’t been able to stop. Viewing pornography wasn’t a habit. It was chemical dependency and spiritual slavery.
Stress released high levels of cortisol. The porn the neighbor boys had introduced had released dopamine, oxytocin, endorphins, and testosterone—which, for a while, eased his pain. The addiction cycle began—a lifetime of medicating pain with porn. Could he reverse engineer the damage? Could he get the chemicals in a way that was natural?
Kirk made a plan he called the three Ws: Work, Worship, and Word. Physical exercise released endorphins, dopamine, and testosterone. Worship provided an endorphin release. Mental exercise—healing—came through reading Scripture and other books.
He had settled for getting oxytocin—the love hormone—through the artificial stimulation from a two-dimensional experience of porn. Now he sought it through cultivating genuine, vulnerable, three-dimensional relationships.
To track wins and losses, Kirk designed a score card. When it increased his success, Kirk wondered if others could benefit. He discovered that every porn consumer and every spouse of a porn consumer felt what he had felt: isolation, guilt, and shame. Kirk packaged his approach and taught it to others.
As Kirk helped others, he found his purpose in working alongside the Holy Spirit.
“He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness, and broke away their chains” (Psalm 107:14 NIV).
What purpose can come of your greatest adversity? Your greatest struggle can take you out. Or it can become your platform.
BeMen. Accessed October 15, 2020. BeMen. https://www.facebook.com/pg/WhereEveryManHasAVoice/about/?ref=page_internal.
Samuels, Kirk M. “Kirk M. Samuels.” Accessed October 15, 2020. Free Indeed. http://www.freeindeed36. com/.
Step Seven. Accessed October 15, 2020. Step Seven. https://www.stepseven.org/.
Based on an interview with Kirk Samuels and Samuels, Kirk. For Your Eyes Only: The Inside Scoop about Men, Porn, and Marriage. Parker, Colorado: LCCN, 2017.
Story read by Chuck Stecker